Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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WTF
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.