Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Schrödinger’s cookie
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Mistakes were made
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.