Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
All. The. Damn. Time.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
WTF
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson