Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Always…
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Ah yes. The three genders
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.