Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.