Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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my mind
You just read my mind
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie