Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.