Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Meme Monday.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.