Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I would move hell over six inches for you
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.