Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A Short Story.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
kids play hide and seek like
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
called in thicc to work this morning
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.