Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine