Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.