“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Plant care tips
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*