“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
You Might Also Like
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…