Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
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Don’t fuck with writers. We’ll describe you.
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.