@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

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@ACartoonCat

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

@dafloydsta

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

@rockymomax

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@Spaziotwat

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

@Writepop

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

@Rollmaninoz

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

@NourHadidi

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.