“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.