“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…