You Might Also Like
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
