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[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!