Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.