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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes