Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
constantly working on myself.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.