Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.