Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Monday
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad