Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.