Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them