Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

181.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.