Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.