Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”