Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win