Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.