Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My birthstone is kidney
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
fly smarter, not harder
what it’s like dating me:
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman