Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]