Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Wednesday