Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You Might Also Like
Stonehinge
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?