Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves