What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.