@Jlgroove_

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

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@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@sarabethkay

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@Chhapiness

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@sameralkhoury

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

@Jimboleem

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.