Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Body by Oreos
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Generation gap…
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05