Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Not all heroes wear capes….
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.