Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Care for your back
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Social distancing in Australia:
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.