Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”