Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Brother?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.