Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.