Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
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My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Perfect
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Florida be like…
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.