Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.