Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face