Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You Might Also Like
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Monday
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to