Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
This is a true ally.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound