Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Penguins walking in 5x speed
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor