Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Sunday
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.