Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
she has a point
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”