Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.