welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
White Castle for the Win
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.